Agreed. Or any cleaning up. And whoever is always so grateful and protesting and you are all “uh no I want to be doing this” and you come up with some excuse that isn’t “because I need quiet time.”
Ultimately this is meant to be an invitation to find me on twitter, gchat/email, facebook, whatever floats your fancy if you please, but for the foreseeable future my time posting anything of substance on my personal tumblr has come to an end/hiatus.
For the past two years I have been wrangling to get my shit together and the entirety of my life under some kind of control. I have been struggling, to say the least. Finally in Fall of 2012 I realized I really needed to prioritize and not try to do everything at once and it wouldn’t happen at all. I realized needed structure in my life. Structure and support. So my first focus was getting my mental health under control. Anxiety and Depression with borderline bouts of psychosis. After 6-8 months I think I am on the right track. Self loathing/hatred is gone, I am no longer constantly irritable and pessimistic for no discernible reason. And I am content.
But I’m also complacent, and I’m not realizing I can start working on the other things that I need to take care of so I can be a productive happy mutant feeling like I’m contributing and having some kind of impact in my community. I thought that would be writing, and have been focused on that, both fiction and non-fiction, focusing on my love and obsession with film and movies. The problem with this is that I have been focused on doing this on tumblr and with tumblr I don’t really have the support structure I need to keep me going and encouraged. To keep me challenged and wanting. This is in no way a slight on tumblr or the community of friends I have made here. I would not trade anything else in the world for this, it’s just become apparent that it is not the write place for me to try to push myself with writing.
With writing, or with anything creative for that matter, I have come to realize that I am fine with rejection. Rejection I can deal with when I am my “best self.” I hate fucking saying those words, but they are a good descriptive for mental states, best self and worst self, control and chaos. I can deal with rejection when I am in control, but something I can’t absolutely live without is acceptance. I cannot deal with lack of acceptance/acknowledgement. And for that my support structures on facebook and twitter are already developed and good. At least for now. Maybe not. But I realize there is something else I need to accomplish on my list before I can work to build a good following/structure to challenge my writing.
Since I can remember I have always been plagued by my physical health/appearance. I am not unhealthy (other than seasonal allergies that may border on asthma when really bad and a history of chronic bronchitis) all my vitals and bloodwork are good, great even. For the past few years I’ve striven to eat healthy, I have bouts with vegetarianism. But my weight has always been a problem. I hate the idea that I don’t look good… that I could look better, that my clothing choice is ultimately dictated by what I can fit in. I also fucking hate feeling out of shape and unable to run up a staircase or scale a wall.
I once was a skinny kid who spent every waking moment outside and then around 7 when I hit first grade that all went away and I now realize it was related to my inability to deal with stress and crowds and failures. Hiding inside and being alone and eating my feelings away worked pretty well. I was a weird kid and being overweight and unathletic (no sense of balance, no upper body strength) just made me weirder and more of a target with more feelings to eat.
So instead of writing/creative I’m going to put my time in energy into my physical health for which I already have a pretty solid support structure. I don’t want the thought of physical activity to be any more of a block to me than the thought of not being accepted.
All this being said, I will still be on here liking every day and reblogging every so often. I like you all and I definitely like the community I’ve made here and just think there are better places to talk to y’all than here. So please come find me on twitter, and drop me an email so I can find you on facebook, if you are into that sort of thing.
I ultimately will be spending all my creative effort on keeping One Hundred and Eighty Degrees floating, with new stuff coming soon. Writing and Podcasts! That’s the future for me for movies. Conversations with people. So if you don’t follow 180 degrees already please go and do.
email: tapiocanaif (at) gmail (dot) com (is this a format that people still do? is this still a thing? spam bots?)
also absolutely drop me a ask or fanmail for communication, it’s not as great as email but still works.